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  • Dr. Jacob D van Zyl

PSYCHOLOGY: HELP FOR THE MARRIAGE

"ME AND TREE” BLOG

by Dr. Jacob D van Zyl tel 013 752 2000

Practice@37A Ehmkestreet, Nelspruit, Mpumalanga, SA


BLOG (27/4) posted on 2019/09/15 – check this blog for the next update in about one month’s time

TWO TREES STANDING AND GROWING TOGETHER AS ONE IN MARRIAGE


The difference between the two trees: a man and woman in the marriage




In the following couple of blogs I would like to reflect on the marriage in which I would like to compare the marriage with two trees standing and growing together – almost appearing to be one tree. In my previous blog about the marriage, I reflected on 5 main causes which tend to lead to the high divorce rate in marriages.


In this blog I reflect on important differences between men and women. It is imperative to understand certain important differences between men and women in the marriage.

Both must continually work on the relationship – both must continually water their tree of marriage... Love is naturally an essential factor that helps to make a marriage work, but unfortunately it is not enough. Men and women, who differ so much from each other, must never stop building a bridge towards each other. It takes hard work and commitment.


The influence of the differences between men and women in the marriage cannot be underestimated. It is often these differences, especially when the husband and wife are not aware of them, that can cause underlying dissension in the marriage. It can lead to conflict, misunderstanding, communication problems and certain obstructions– so much so that the tree can not blossom or even die…


The role of women career-wise has changed significantly during the past few decades. Many women still find it difficult to combine roles: to be a working woman with its accompanying responsibilities and challenges, and also to be a wife and mother. Over the years the differences between men and women have diminished as a result of the changes. The differences are not as pertinent as they were earlier. Women do have certain masculine characteristics, and men do have certain feminine characteristics. When it comes to the differences between men and women, I therefore need to be careful not to generalize. Nevertheless there are certain tendencies which are supported by research.


In this blog I will focus on differences regarding the essence and needs between men and women.


Emotional versus Rational


According to the research it seems that women are essentially more emotionally inclined than men – for women emotions have a considerable impact on their daily experience of reality, for example in the choices they tend to make. Men tend to be more analytical and rational in their approach and even experience of reality – even regarding their emotions. This leads to a difference in the language used by women and men: a woman will most likely express more emotion through her words, while a man will use more factual and rational words. This creates a situation where men and women speak differently about the same subject!


Different needs between women and men


The needs of men and women also differ. Mostly the woman’s first and primary need is emotional communication – she tends to continually looking for opportunities to express her emotions – not just negative, heavy emotions such as anger; but also sentimental emotions, like crying on her husband’s shoulder. Secondly she has the need to communicate – not only to verbalise her feelings but also her thoughts, opinions and perspectives on life. Thirdly she also has sexual needs which serve primarily to fulfil her emotional needs.

Often the opposite set of needs applies to men. Thus the saying that women are from Venus and men are from Mars. According to research the man’s first and primary need is sexual in nature. By expressing his sexual needs, he is not just expressing his love and desire for his partner, but he also vents sexual frustration that might have built up in him. Secondly, men have physical needs concerning their relaxation which, if not met, cause frustration. Actions which help to relieve/release that frustration include activities such as sport, and physical activities like gardening or woodwork. Thirdly, men also have a need to communicate, but often on a more rational level. This means they would sooner talk about things, rather than feelings: the value of money, increasing interest rates, the rugby match he just watched, extending the home, or the incredible car he saw. The needs of men and women differ significantly. This makes for much more hard work, to be able to allow their tree of marriage to grow steadfast and to provide sufficient shade for each other.

With good, healthy communication different needs between women and men do not need to be conflicting needs – it can compliment each other and fit like the pieces of a puzzle into each other.


In the next blog I will put the emphasis on the differences regarding communication patterns and roles.


Feel free to send your questions regarding the marriage / marital life to vanzyljd@telkomsa.net or contact my rooms at 013 752 2000 in order to make an appointment.


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